Democratic National Sleep Aid

I've watched the DNC for a grand total of 18 seconds, long enough to see Teresa Heinz Kerry fight a losing battle with the English language. Her fight was much like the one I fight daily in this blog. It struck a chord.

That was the only thing that struck me, and the experience lasted 16 seconds too long. The other two don't count because that's how long it took my brain to realize what I was watching. If I had quicker reflexes, or even a remote control, it could have been over much sooner.

It's an affront to my senses and an assault on my decency. It would surely make Ignatius J Reilly's valve close off forever. Of course, I'm not one of the > 50% or whatever of people who don't know what Kerry stands for. For these people the DNC might be useful.

The 18 seconds thing was actually a lie, I watched the NBC news broadcast before the start of the convention. The thing that struck me then was how jubilant these people were pretending to be. They were acting like John Kerry was some leftist messiah. He's not, obviously. He's the de facto placeholder that is least offensive to the most people and therefore stands the best chance of being swept to office on the wave of anti-Bush sentiment.

You know you have problems connecting with voters when your running mate--that is vice presidential pick--has a 24-point higher approval rating than you do. I wonder what this guy's approval ratings are. He's Kerry Edwards. Look at that smile. Is he some kind of sexy African-American synthesis of the two men? Probably, and it looks like he's going to be rich soon. Maybe we should rethink our nominee.

Every analyst I hear spouts the same mantra: Kerry has to ignite the base. This is probably true, but unrealistic and a little unfair. Asking him to electrify America is as futile as asking the same of a lightning rod. He's no orator. He's wordier than I am. C'mon George Stephanopoulos, you have a giant head, use it.

I do feel a little cheated though, John Kerry actually excited me once. It was probably almost two years ago now. I was living in what passes for the ghetto of Spokane, Washington. We rented a big house with bars on the windows. The bars couldn't keep prowlers out of the gaping holes in the crumbling foundation. Luckily most of the foundation was obscured by hundreds of rosebushes, which inexplicably bloomed nine months out of the year. It was an oddly magical house, and one that stank of cat urine.

The previous tenant's wife fell in with some sort of sex cult and left him with four children and no second income. He was one person and could barely manage the rent. Later, we would be six people and would still barely manage the rent.

Needless to say, the poor guy had things on his mind, and forwarding magazine subscriptions wasn't a priority. He moved and got himself a more managable life; We got his subscription to Men's Journal.

On the cover of this particular issue, August 2002, Kerry sat astride a Harley-Davidson in a fringed black leather jacket. He talked about interesting things, said that if he decided to run, it'd be nice if John McCain, his buddy, would run with him. The Bi-Partisanship he hinted at in the article was kind of nice. He seemed intent on unifying the country. He took stands on issues, he was vocal and--though this might just be clever editing--he was concise. He seemed to have something approaching the charisma of Bill Clinton, which is good, as no one ignited the base like Bill Clinton. Of course, Clinton was also a winner--which automatically fires up a group of consistent losers.